Cover image for When children grieve : for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses
Title:
When children grieve : for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses
Title:
When children grieve : for adults to help children deal with death, divorce, pet loss, moving, and other losses
Publisher Info:
New York : HarperCollins, [2001]
Physical Description:
xix, 268 pages ; 22 cm.
General Note:
Pagination may vary.
Abstract:
"To watch a child grieve and not know what to do is one of the most difficult experiences for parents, teachers, and caregives. And yet, there are guidelines for helping children develop a lifelong, healthy response to loss." "In When Children Grieve, John W. James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute, along with psychotherapist Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews, have created a cutting-edge volume that will help free children from the false idea that they "shouldn't feel bad" and will empower them with positive, effective methods of dealing with loss."-- Jacket.

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Summary

Summary

To watch a child grieve and not know what to do is one of the most difficult experiences for parents, teachers, and caregivers. And yet, there are guidelines for helping children develop a lifelong, healthy response to loss.In When children Grieve, John W James and Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute, along with psychotherapist Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews, have created a cutting-edge volume that will help free children from the false idea that they "shouldn't feel bad" and will empower them with positive, effective methods of dealing with loss.There are many life experiences that can produce feelings of grief in a child, everything from the death of a relative or a divorce, to more everyday experiences such as moving to a new neighborhood or losing a prized possession. Whatever the reason or the degree of severity if a child you love is grieving, the guidelines examined in this thoughtful book can make a difference. For example:

Listen with your heart, not your head. Allow all emotions to be expressed, without judgment, criticism, or analysis. Recognize that grief is emotional, not intellectual. Avoid the trap of asking your child what is wrong, for he or she will automatically say "Nothing." Adults -- Go first. Telling the truth about your own grief will make your child feel safe in opening up about his or her own feelings. Remember that each of your children is unique and each has a unique relationship to the loss event. Be patient. Don't force your child to talk. Never say "Don't feel sad" or "Don't feel scared. "Sadness and fear, the two most common feelings attached to loss of any kind, are essential to being human.


Author Notes

John W. James was born in Danville, Illinois. He was thrust unwillingly into the arena of grief and recovery when his three-day-old son died in 1977. John lives in Los Angeles with his Emmy Award-winning wife, Jess Walton -- the evil "Jill Abbott" on The Young and the Restless -- and spends most of his free time with daughter Allison and son Cole
Russell P. Friedman was born in Port Chester, New York. He arrived at the Grief Recovery Institute in 1986, following a second divorce and a major financial disaster. He started as a volunteer, and stayed and stayed and stayed. Russell lives in Sherman Oaks with Alice Borden and their dog, Max
Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews was born in Los Angeles. She attended a Grief Recovery Personal Workshop after the much-publicized death of her father, Michael Landon. She earned her doctorate in the field of psychology with a focus on children and grief. She lives in Southern California with her husband, Brian, and their three glorious children


Reviews 1

Publisher's Weekly Review

Coauthors of The Grief Recovery Handbook, John W. James and Russell Friedman join with psychotherapist Leslie Landon Matthews to present When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses. This compassionate manual addresses the nature of grief, purges common myths the worst of which, the authors claim, is that time heals all wounds (only small, positive actions can heal a person, insist James, Friedman and Matthews) and encourages adults to adopt a more healthy approach to grief themselves, so that they, in turn, can help children. (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved


Table of Contents

Introduction: Put Your Oxygen Mask on Firstp. xii
Who Are We? And Why Have We Written This Book?p. xv
Part 1 Monkey See, Monkey dop. 1
Why Are You Reading This Book?p. 3
Chapter 1 What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It?p. 5
What's the Problem?p. 6
What Is Grief, Anyway?p. 7
Obvious and Hidden Lossesp. 8
Never Compare Lossesp. 8
Time Doesn't Heal--Actions Dop. 9
Normal and Naturalp. 10
Crisis Behaviorp. 11
Between the Problem and the Solution: Six Major Mythsp. 12
Chapter 2 Looking At Myth 1: Don't Feel Bad!p. 14
Sweet but Dangerousp. 15
Without Sadness, Joy Cannot Existp. 16
We Are Not Exaggeratingp. 16
Who's Responsible for Feelings?p. 21
Chapter 3 Looking at Myth 2: Replace the Loss, Part Onep. 24
All Relationships are Uniquep. 26
The Stolen Bicyclep. 27
Toys and Dolls--Gone but Not Forgottenp. 28
It's Time to Meet Leslie and Learn More about Cherished Possessionsp. 29
Replace the Loss, Part Twop. 31
Chapter 4 Looking at Myth 3: Grieve Alonep. 33
Multigenerational Pass-Throughp. 34
Grieve Alone--A Closer Lookp. 36
Why Do People Grieve Alone?p. 38
Is Alone Ever Okay?p. 39
Here's Some Good News: Different Beliefs Produce Better Results For Childrenp. 39
Pause to Reflect and Recapp. 40
Chapter 5 Looking at Myth 4: Be Strongp. 42
Wait, There's Morep. 43
Strong or Human, Pick One!p. 44
Chapter 6 Looking at Myth 5: Keep Busyp. 46
A Dangerous Illusionp. 47
The Real Impact of Loss: Keeping Busy and Dwelling on Painp. 48
Dwelling on Pain Is Sometimes the Result of Not Being Heardp. 50
Heard at Lastp. 51
Chapter 7 Looking at Myth 6: Time Heals All Woundsp. 54
Corporate Grief and Grief in the Classroomp. 55
No Time Zonesp. 56
Part 2 Moving From Grief to Recoveryp. 59
Chapter 8 Looking for "The Book"p. 61
John's Quest Continuesp. 64
Chapter 9 What Is Incomplete Grief?p. 67
Is Incomplete Grief Only about Bad Things?p. 69
Chapter 10 Helping the Helpersp. 73
It's Easier to Fill an Empty Cupp. 73
Scuba Diving Lessonsp. 74
The Critical Transitionp. 75
Boundless Capacityp. 77
Delicate Strokesp. 78
If Your Kids Are Older, Do Not Despairp. 79
Do We Know Enough Yet?p. 79
Chapter 11 Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (S.T.E.R.B.s)p. 80
Do You Know Where Your Child's Energy Is?p. 82
Short-Term Relief Doesn't Workp. 84
Recapping Part Twop. 87
Part 3 The Path to Completionp. 89
What is Completion?
Chapter 12 The Relationship Reviewp. 91
Relationship Reviews Happen Automaticallyp. 91
Who Goes First?p. 92
Pick the Fruit When It's Ripep. 93
Chapter 13 Real-Life Examplesp. 96
Out of the Mouths of Babes--Good-bye, Mr. Hamsterp. 96
All Grief Is Experienced at 100 percentp. 98
The Death of a Petp. 98
Random Memoriesp. 102
Chapter 14 Helping Your Child Review the Relationshipp. 103
Sleeping in the Bed, or Notp. 105
Minding the Steam Kettlep. 106
Chapter 15 The Emotional Energy Checklistp. 107
Children and Their Pets: Reviewing Events and Emotionsp. 107
Emotional Energy Checklist: Death of a Petp. 110
Chapter 16 What to Do with the Reviewp. 113
Converting Emotional Energy Into Recovery Componentsp. 113
Chapter 17 Recovery Componentsp. 116
Apologies Firstp. 116
Apologies to Living Peoplep. 116
Apologies to People Who Have Diedp. 119
Should Parents Ever Apologize?p. 119
Time Doesn't Create Completion: Actions Dop. 120
Chapter 18 Recovery Components: Forgivenessp. 121
Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feelingp. 123
Chapter 19 Recovery Components: Significant Emotional Statementsp. 126
Are the Same Things Significant for Everyone?p. 127
Some Significant Comments Require Forgivenessp. 128
Fond Memoriesp. 128
Recapping This Sectionp. 129
Chapter 20 Death of a Personp. 132
Reviewing Relationships with People Who Have Diedp. 133
The Death of a Grandparentp. 134
Uniqueness Is the Real Issuep. 135
"Less Than Loved Ones"p. 137
Complex Relationshipsp. 137
Emotional Energy Checklist: Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintancep. 139
Recapping Part Three--Is It Soup Yet?p. 143
Before We Move On, We Honor the Readersp. 144
Part 4 Moving from Discovery to Completionp. 145
Chapter 21 Continuing Litany vs. Freedom
Carrying the Litany Is a Heavy Loadp. 147
Exaggerated Memory Picturesp. 149
Freedom Feels Betterp. 150
Chapter 22 Zeroing In on Completionp. 151
"Thumper"p. 151
Chapter 23 Delivering, Completing, and Saying Good-byep. 160
Leading Up to Jessica's Letterp. 161
Jessica's Completion Letter to Thumperp. 163
Entirely Different but Exactly the Samep. 176
Chapter 24 Very Close to NaNap. 169
Emotional Energy List--Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintancep. 176
Chronicling Events that Occur After a Deathp. 179
Amanda's Completion Letter to NaNap. 181
Chapter 25 One More Letterp. 183
Jeffrey's Letterp. 184
New Discoveriesp. 185
What About Jeffrey's Sisters?p. 186
Concluding Part Fourp. 187
Part 5 Other Lossesp. 189
Focusing on Moving and Divorcep. 189
Chapter 26 The First Big Movep. 191
Transitional Eventsp. 193
Chapter 27 What Not to Dop. 194
Movingp. 197
Chapter 28 On Divorcep. 199
Leslie Gets the First Word--The Divorce of My Parentsp. 199
Chapter 29 Bad New--Bad Newsp. 202
Long Term or Sudden Impactp. 202
Whose Divorce Is It?p. 203
Multiple Lossesp. 204
Sometimes We Get Luckyp. 206
Don't Fix Feelingsp. 207
Don't Be Fooled--Relief Is Only the Last Feelingp. 208
Noble Sentiments, but Hearts Are Still Brokenp. 209
One Central Issuep. 201
Unique Is Still the Bottom Linep. 211
Where Is the Focus?p. 212
Taking Sidesp. 213
Children Sometimes Blame Themselvesp. 214
What Can You Do to Help?p. 214
Leslie Gets the Last Word, Toop. 215
Part 6 Closing up Shopp. 219
Chapter 30 The "D" Wordp. 221
Illusion of Protectionp. 222
Solid and Clear Reference Pointp. 222
Sometimes the World Travels Backwardp. 223
Talking About Death with Your Childp. 224
Curiosity Helps Children Learnp. 226
Chapter 31 Euphemisms + Metaphors = Confusionp. 230
Chapter 32 Four Weddings and a Funeral?p. 234
Forty-five Years Later, but Who's Countingp. 237
Chapter 33 Win-Winp. 240
Chloe and Carrie Sue and the Real Meaning of Timep. 240
Three Generationsp. 242
Spencer's Accidental Ownersp. 244
Tuning In to Elizabethp. 247
The Grief Recovery Groupiep. 249
Our Completion with Youp. 252
Questionnairep. 254
Acknowledgmentsp. 261